By Mabeast, Kapseret Soccer Club Regional Coordinator.
(A tale of two cows; Chepis the soccer lover and Usa the pervert. As usual, the scene is next to St. Joseph’s primary school soccer field in Kapseret Village. THEME: Soccer for Eradication of Animal Cruelty. No curtains were bought so we will go directly to the play. Apologies.)
CHEPIS: Eeeei! Watch out!
(A group of young children are trying to out-run each other for a soccer ball that is rolling towards where Usa is grazing).
USA: You watch this!
(She waits for the ball to draw closer. Within a slice of a second it is next to her hinds legs. She jumps up, as though startled, while softly hitting and sending it almost to the same direction it come from. As her four legs touch the ground again, the kids react intuitively like a bunch of well trained commandos. The former trailing kid who naturally happens to be the youngest of the lot, is now leading the pack. The rear-end has become the head. But do not place your hopes on him to be the first to catch the ball. The unexpected change of circumstances favors him no more than any other kid for he is now all smiles and disbelieves his luck; by the time he gathers enough courage to propel himself forward, most of his fellow contestants will have overtaken him. Chepis realizes that her call was a false alarm.)
CHEPIS: (Smacks her lips disgustedly as she lowers her head) Mmhugh!
USA: Human beings!! (She cracked up so hard.)
CHEPIS: Will you stop?
(Sounded to USA like ‘yes human beings.’ She doubled her laughter. If a donkey’s nature was hers, she would be rolling on the ground with her legs raised up in the air.)
CHEPIS: You think you’ve achieved something? You think you are smarter? Who can’t do that?
USA: Wuh, What’s wrong? I just sent, sent the so called “rational beings” (Quotation marks are marked in the air by whisking the tail sideways) away running. (ha ha ha ha!)
CHEPIS: Mmhugh! Pervert! (Smacks her lips and resumes mowing).
(Usa is pissed off by this insult. She walks to where Chepis is.)
USA: Nobody calls me names I do not deserve.
CHEPIS: Oh really? (Lifted her head up to face the approaching fellow. War is looming around the corner.)
USA: (Contemptuously imitating Chepis voice.) Oh really? Oh really my hoofs! (That’s a bombshell; the highest offensive word in the cows realm. My hoofs? That is similar to spiting on an Arab face or telling “Rasta adherent to follow rastafarianism”. Extremely disrespectful.)
(Their horns lock. A tussle begins. Luckily for both of them they are Zebu cows. So each one has a pair of strong curved horns. One two, horns lock again. Of course the struggle doesn’t last for long. What were you expecting? A long fight that will result in one of them fleeing away like Zine El Abidine Ben Ali? Oh come on! This is just a friendly fire. They are childhood friends but most importantly they are cows! They do not fight for centuries and they do not really fight to harm and kill like some species we know; just simply to let out a feeling. That is all.)
USA, CHEPIS: Let go of me!
USA: I said let go!
(Both of them step backwards.)
CHEPIS: You are always obsessed with I I I I I I. ‘I said let go’ as if I did not say it too.
USA: Yes, you tell what I should have said. That ‘we said let go?’ (You just swing the tail half-sideways for the quotation marks with one apostrophe on both ends). Even if I speak “appropriately” (remember this time she swung her tail sideways) it does not change the fact that I personally said it too.
CHEPIS: As I expected one of your kind to say.
USA: Don’t tempt me to fight you again. You call me fool again?
CHEPIS: Why not ask why I call you fool?
USA: (Twitching her ears) You better convince me that I qualify for a fool or else you…
CHEPIS: Or else what? (She let out a stream of steamy urine from her bowels.) Or else you will fight or laugh? I hope you meant the latter. (As if she is murmuring this to herself) Laugh like a pervert, a fool!
USA: You say I laugh like a fool?
CHEPIS: Like a human being!
USA: Like a human being?
CHEPIS: Like one of them!
(Amigo, for cows, human characters and habits are an accurate paradigm of foolery. When their fellow cow behaves like a human being, they are either acting foolishly or they are simply fools. Keep this in your minds for you never know what you’ll reincarnate into.)
CHEPIS: Don’t ask me how. Use your head. Why don’t you stop and listen to the sound of your voice?
USA: I did not know Jealousy could work wonders in cows!
CHEPIS: Oh please! I am not jealousy that you sent those kids running away. Like I said, even the tender of our calves can do that. So there is nothing special about the act to envy. But you know what is funny?
(Usa did not say a word.)
CHEPIS: Fools who think that their fooling games are superior.
USA: You are lucky you are my friend. Otherwise you would have regretted what you are saying.
(Chepis get excited her friend is losing the argument.)
CHEPIS: Since when did Usa not fight anyone because they are friends with her? You just say you are scared of me.
CHEPIS: Okay, lemme disregard the fact that you are fond of humanly way of laughing, po! (Spitting on the ground). I will still give you another reason why you are a fool.
USA: Which is?
CHEPIS: You take a huge risk for a small pleasure. Insignificant laughter. (Pauses). Who among us laughs? Nobody. I will tell you why.
CHEPIS: Because as a cow, only two things are our main concern: food and human beings. What if one of those kids was carrying a stone or a goddamn stick? You would still appreciate your tricks after the stone had hit your chest or the stick landed on your back, wouldn’t you? (Chepis laughs). It is not your tricks that saved you. Be rather thankful that that soccer ball saved you for it distracted the kids. Otherwise you would have been their interest.
USA: It was your idea to come here. If anything could have happened to me, I would have blamed it on you.
CHEPIS: Look at you? You have forgotten that it is the herds-boy who calls the shot. It just happened today that he lead us here today. Coincidentally, I like grazing near soccer fields not because I play soccer or love watching it. Don’t you see dummy? Whenever we are around here our boy is busy playing that game soccer and at least we do not get whipped at all unless when we go inside that maize plantation.
(Usa chips in.)
USA: Mmmm! Yummy yummy! I’m tempted.
(Chepis ignores this comment).
CHEPIS: A little distractions to our boy earns us some freedom. We can roam around without constant human eyes gazing at us. That is why I love soccer fields.
(Amigo, should I ask which of the two cows is the wiser? Anyways, a brief silence ensued between the two friends. USA looked like she was ruminating on both her cuds and these thoughts. Then Chepis poured more wisdom).
CHEPIS: Always look for food and be wary of these humans. (Turning her head to the soccer field. Turns it back to USA and clears her throat.) It is a perverted doctrine to risk great safety for peanut pleasures.
USA: Is it?
CHEPIS: And I only put up with you because you are my friend.
USA: Is that so? (She takes two more step backwards before she says the following words and runs away chuckling…) Well then,I got to go nigger.
CHEPIS: What! (Really shocked.)
(She pursues Usa cursing.)
CHEPIS: I am not a human being. How dare you call me that?
(You can bet where the two cows ran off to. The chased and the chaser ended up in the maize plantation.)
MCHONGOANO (JOKES FOR SHARP PEOPLE). Geography Q3: What country is next to USA? Ans: USB!
A friend said this; nat me!